There are all of these characters at the gym. There’s Duke (named after Duke Kahanamoku) who is always swimming. He’s possibly the only person at the gym that I accept wearing a speedo. Because um. Did I mention he’s always swimming? And there are the various personal trainers who I make up little lives for. It makes my time at the gym better, you know? My most favorite character at the gym is THE QUEEN. That’s how I hear it when I see her. I hear THE QUEEN.

I think Oh, THE QUEEN has entered the gym. Or oh, THE QUEEN looks a little hung over. Or THE QUEEN just glanced my way. And then this song starts playing in my head. Or maybe it’s not playing in my head, maybe it’s just playing over the PA system. It’s mixed in among all of the Pink and the occasional Gloria Gaynor.

THE QUEEN is about six feet tall and she wears four inch stilettos at all times. She also wears her sunglasses at all times. In the gym. I believe she’s some sort of gym floor manager because occasionally she scans my tag and I curtsey. She’s a raven-haired beauty, if we’re writing a crime novel.

She also has the same tattoo that Nicole Ritchie has on her foot. When I was thinking about this post, I was trying to remember who had this tattoo. Gwen Stefani? Pink? And then I remembered — Nicole Ritchie! I read a lot of US Weekly when I was on bedrest and pregnant with Arch. The fact that this little tidbit stuck in my head for the past 7 years is likely one reason (of many) I’ve not cured cancer.

Today she got off the elevator as I was getting on. She had a huge scarf wrapped around her gazelle-like neck and of course, her sunglasses. She glanced over my left shoulder and sighed at all of us. The fat, the weak, those who SWEAT. I felt an eye roll behind those glasses. But you know what? I would expect no less. She’s THE QUEEN. And we’re all just bit players in her world.

All hail THE QUEEN OF THE GYM!

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